vinyarb

The cabin in the woods is best watched without knowing anything prior to viewing. And it should come as no surprise that this review will be spoiler-filled.

Now that that’s out of the way, let me say that cabin in the woods is one of the best horror movies in years!

Hooking you in without ever letting up, the 2 parallel stories converge and beautifully ties up all the questions you’ve ever had about the people (usually teens, even that’s a question… why teens?) in these horror movies, namely:

• why do teens like to have sex in the creepiest of places? (usually in densely forested areas where danger and mosquitos lurk)
• why it seems like its a good idea to split up in situations where normally, people will want to stay together.
• why everyone killed is a stereotype of either a jock, a stoner, a slut or an intellectual (and by extension, why the only survivor is almost always a virgin-ish)

5 college students set off on a weekend vacation to a cabin in the woods, and when they arrive a the cabin, comfortably slip into the stereotypes we all know and love so much; the jock, the stoner, the intellect, the slut and the virgin.

Underneath the cabin lies an extensive secret laboratory, watching the kids’ every move via satelite and hidden cameras, obviously up to no good (or so we think). After finding a hidden basement filled with weird and horror-inducing artefacts, they unwittingly unleash a  zombie redneck torture family (yes, its that specific) to wreck havoc on them.

Back in the secret underground facility, the curtains slowly pull back to reveal the scope of the project, the other projects taking place all over the world, and finally, the dire consequences if the projects were to fail.

The stakes are raised, and its no longer just the lives of the 5 kids on the line, but all the employees in the facility and possibly more. All this sets up the crazy finale in a free-for-all who’s who of the monster world.

After watching the cabin in the woods, all other horror movies will make sense.

Fret not if you don’t really understand the last few paragraphs. You’re not meant to read about the cabin in the woods. You’re meant to watch it, laugh and gape, and then watch it again.

It’s that good.

Joss Whedon and Drew Goddard have just levelled up as a duo in my mind.

Rating: 9/10

As I was watching Wrath of the Titans, I felt eternal wrath at having wasted the money. It felt exactly the same as Clash of the Titans, had exactly the same beats and plot, and worst of all, the same weak last king to fight.

In Clash, they built up the Kraken to be this huge, hideous monster capable of total destruction, and he appeared for less than 5 minutes and was killed with a single Medusa stare.

In Wrath, they built up Kronos (father of Zeus, Poseidon and Hades) to be this huge, hideous monster capable of total destruction, and he appeared for less than 5 minutes and was killed with a single arrow to the knee, or something.

If you’ve seen Clash, you’ve seen Wrath.

They even replaced red hot Alexa Davalos with Rosamund Pike for the role of Andromeda.

Not anymore, it isn’t! I am Andromedaahahaha!

This, for that? Give me my fuckin money back!

Rating: 4/10